“Say anything, but say what you mean” -Mae (Suspension)
In a world that is full of static and glitter, maybe, just maybe, we can break through and allow our words to hold weight again.
Tag Archives: Life
With or Without You
“Do the things that you always wanted to/ Without me there to hold you back, don’t think, just do/ More than anything I want to see you, girl/ Take a glorious bite out of the whole world” – Snow Patrol (You Could Be Happy)
Soon enough, I will be walking down the aisle, changing diapers, and a long list of things that will make this time in my life seem so very far away. So, to be ready for that time, I need to take advantage of this time.
I Don’t Have a Ring on My Finger or a Bun in the Oven, But…
1. I can sleep in late on my days off, and I don’t have to worry about someone hogging the entire bed.
2. Dinner can be whatever I want it to be.
3. My apartment can be as clean or cluttered as I would like it.
4. I can take as long as I want to in the bathroom.
5. At the drop of a hat, I can go visit friends or get out of town for the weekend.
6. I can completely concentrate on school.
7. I can leave my “wand” and make-up out in the bathroom.
8. Friends can come over and stay over as long as they would like.
9. I don’t have in-laws.
10. I can spend hours writing in silence.
11. I don’t have to make sandwiches for the “poker game”.
12. Nick Jr. isn’t playing non-stop at my house.
13. I can buy those awesome heels or funky piece of art and not feel guilty.
14. I can pick up and move anywhere that I want to.
15. The only dirty laundry that I do is my own.
16. I’m the best bridesmaid.
17. Girls’ night out is a regular occurrence-not something that happens every six months.
18. My schedule is my own, and I have no one to answer to.
19. I can watch that episode of “Friends” for the two-thousandth time and not hear anyone complain.
20. My day doesn’t revolve around “nap time”.
21. I’m saving for that trip for my best friend’s wedding or abroad, instead of for the kids’ college tuition.
22. I have no crazy ex-girlfriends to worry about.
23. The toilet seat is always down.
24. I can spend eight hours in Hollywood at an acoustic in-store, a full evening of improv, not come home until two o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday, and not have someone asking, “Where have you been?!”
25. I’m happy.
Mistakes We Knew We Were Making
“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.” -Emil Ludwig
Until We Meet Again
“I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain/ I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end/ I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend/ But I always thought that I’d see you again” -James Taylor (Fire and Rain)
There are ones whose beauty and spirit transcend space and time, and you are a better person to simply have known them. They changed you, and the world cries at the loss of such a magnificent human being. With their absence comes a great unsettling that it will never be the same, but it was in the tiniest moments that they breathed love into your life. They filled a space inside of you that can never be touched or replaced.
Perhaps, in “A Grief Observed”, C.S. Lewis said it best, “It doesn’t matter that all of the photographs of H. are bad. It doesn’t matter-not much-if my memory of her is imperfect. Images, whether on paper or in the mind, are not important for themselves. Merely links. Take a parallel from an infinitely higher sphere. Tomorrow morning a priest will give me a little round, thin, cold, tasteless wafer. Is it a disadvantage-is it not in some ways an advantage-that it can’t pretend the least resemblance to that with which it unites me? I need Christ, not something that resembles Him. I want H., not something that is like her.”
So, as my tears fall and my heart aches for a man that created so much joy for so many people, I know that he is singing with angels, and he probably has the loudest and most beautiful voice of them all.
Silence Is Always An Answer
“There are times when silence has the loudest voice.” -Leroy Brownlow
This past year, I have learned more than anything that silence is always an answer. Sometimes, silence comes after you interviewed for a job that you were certain that you would get. Sometimes, silence comes after you have been begging God to answer your long-awaited prayers. And sometimes, silence comes after you have met someone that you thought was different than all the ones before, but he proves you very wrong.
As someone who is obsessed with words and language, silence does not bode well for me. It is not something that I readily embrace. I like long conversations-not months of silence trying to figure out what went wrong. Especially, when it comes to relationships, it is hard to settle for silence. But most often, silence is the only answer that you get. It is still amazing to me that even as an adult, people choose silence over words in most occasions. If you do not want to see your friend, you can simply ignore their phone calls and pretend that you were “so busy” that you could not return their call. If you want to stop seeing someone romantically, you will do the “slow fizzle” and just stop contact completely. As much as we all seem to embrace this silence rather than a tough conversation, we all would much rather someone be open and honest with us instead of punching us in the gut with silence.
There have been rare occasions where I was okay with the silence and other times that it hurt me deeply. This year though, I want to try and break the silence and allow people the opportunity for those conversations that may not be so easy. And while some will still answer me in silence, those are the questions that I always knew the answer to, but this time I may not be around for the explanation.
What The Locals Don’t Even Know
“It’s not necessary to go far and wide. I mean, you can really find exciting and inspiring things within your hometown.” -Daryl Hannah
It’s easy to think that you know your hometown like the back of your hand. You feel like you have driven down every street a million times, and nothing has really changed in all of the years that you have lived in that tiny town. But in the quiet and the distance are the echoes of things undercover. There is that small bakery on the other side of town that you pass by every time that you go to your grandmother’s, but you are always too busy to notice. It’s easy to assume that there is not a really awesome thrift store in town that you haven’t ravaged through yet. It’s after midnight and you are starving for something other than Waffle House, but where do you go? Chances are if you live in Spartanburg, South Carolina, the answers can be found in “The Underground Guide to Spartanburg” (the-underground-guide-to-spartanburg). Just when you think that you’ve seen it all, I bet that there are things that have been hiding in plain sight even in your own town. So, I dare you to take a road that you’ve taken a thousand times before and find something new-something that you can make your own-something lovely that the locals don’t even know.
The Fondest Farewell
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” -e.e. cummings
I have always been okay with good-byes. I have always known that they will come, and that most often, they are needed. There is something refreshing about saying good-bye and saying hello at the same time. I have always known when I needed to say good-bye, and I don’t hold on longer than I should (most of the time). I believe that I should be moving forward and through to the next chapter. Because as much as I want to hold onto certain aspects of my life from the last three years, I need to grow up and become who I really am. I need to grow in new opportunities and allow myself to find comfort in that alone.
So, thank you for the last three years and all that you have given me. My time with the Second City has been some of the dearest times that I have had in Los Angeles. Thank you for teaching me the power of “Yes, And” because it has stretched far beyond the stage. You are an exceptional community-family, and I feel like these last few years flew by. But my passions and dreams have grown outside of that building, and I am ready for the change. I wish you the best (some more than others), and please know that this is bittersweet, but a fond farewell all the same.
Seven Days of Thanks: Part 2
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” -Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)
Day 2: Unexpected opportunities that are bringing me closer and closer to exactly where I want to be in this city of mine.
Happier Ever After
“Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand box at nursery school.
These are the things I learned. Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say you are sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are food for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw some and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday.
Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out in the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. We are like that.
And then remember that book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK! Everything you need to know is there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology, and politics and the sane living.
Think of what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about 3 o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put thing back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.” -Robert Fulghum
P.S. And to three of my absolute favorites: Boys are stupid (That’s why you need a man…a real one).
Hope Full Hearts
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunset was dancing over the golden brown hills of Northern California. Orchards hugged me as I sped down Highway 5. There was something so intimate about the six hour car ride that night. I had been listening to Katie Couric’s The Best Advice I Ever Got on tape and never wanted it to end. Each and every story got better and better. Captivating stories from numerous celebrities and influential people about struggle, inspiration and perseverance painted the night a perfect hue of lovely. I would find myself in tears at certain points along the way. But nothing could have prepared me for the final story. It was a letter by World War II veteran, accomplished lawyer, dedicated husband and father of six, Ned Carpenter at the tender age of seventeen. Ned’s letter was a reminder that perhaps it is not about the exact moments that I think that my life will bring me to. Rather, it is the overwhelming hope within myself to be full of certain hopes and dreams, but to know that they could come in a variety of ways. And I hope that my life could be half as wonderful as Ned’s. Well, I hope that it could maybe even be better.
Before I Die
By: Ned Carpenter II
It may seem very strange to the reader that one of my tender age should already be thinking about that inevitable end to which even the paths of glory lead. However, this essay is not really concerned with death, but rather with life, my future life. I have set down here the things which I, at this age, believe essential to happiness and complete enjoyment of life. Some of them will doubtless seem very odd to the reader; others will perhaps be completely in accord with his own wishes. At any rate, they compose a synopsis of the things which I sincerely desire to have done before I leave this world and pass on to the life hereafter or to oblivion.
Before I die I want to know that I have done something truly great, that I have accomplished some glorious achievement the credit for which belongs solely to me. I do not aspire to become as famous as a Napoleon and conquer many nations; but I do want, almost above all else, to feel that I have been an addition to this world of ours. I should like the world, or at least my native land, to be proud of me and to sit up and take notice when my name is pronounced and say, “There is a man who has done a great thing.” I do not want to have passed through life as just another speck of humanity, just another cog in a tremendous machine. I want to be something greater, far greater than that. My desire is not so much for immortality as for distinction while I am alive. When I leave this world, I want to know that my life has not been in vain, but that I have, in the course of my existence, done something of which I am rightfully very proud.
Before I die I want to know that during my life I have brought great happiness to others. Friendship, we all agree, is one of the best things in the world, and I want to have many friends. But I could never die fully contented unless I knew that those with whom I had been intimate had gained real happiness from their friendship with me. Moreover, I feel there is a really sincere pleasure to be found in pleasing others, a kind of pleasure that can not be gained from anything else. We all want much happiness in our lives, and giving it to others is one of the surest ways to achieve it for ourselves.
Before I die I want to have visited a large portion of the globe and to have actually lived with several foreign races in their own environment. By traveling in countries other than my own I hope to broaden and improve my outlook on life so that I can get a deeper, and more complete satisfaction from living. By mixing the weighty philosophy of China with the hard practicalism of America, I hope to make my life fuller. By blending the rigid discipline of Germany with the great liberty in our own nation I hope to more completely enjoy my years on this earth. These are but two examples of the many things which I expect to achieve by traveling and thus have a greater appreciation of life.
Before I die there is another great desire I must fulfill, and that is to have felt a truly great love. At my young age I know that love, other than some filial affection, is probably far beyond my ken. Yet, young as I may be, I believe I have had enough inkling of the subject to know that he who has not loved has not really lived. Nor will I feel my life is complete until I have actually experienced that burning flame and know that I am at last in love, truly in love. I want to feel that my whole heart and soul are set on one girl whom I wish to be a perfect angel in my eyes. I want to feel a love that will far surpass any other emotion that I have ever felt. I know that when I am at last really in love then I will start living a different, better life, filled with new pleasures that I never knew existed.
Before I die I want to feel a great sorrow. This, perhaps, of all my wishes will seem the strangest to the reader. Yet, is it unusual that I should wish to have had a complete life? I want to have lived fully, and certainly sorrow is a part of life. It is my belief that, as in the case of love, no man has lived until he has felt sorrow. It molds us and teaches us that there is a far deeper significance to life than might be supposed if one passed through this world forever happy and carefree. Moreover, once the pangs of sorrow have slackened, for I do not believe it to be a permanent emotion, its dregs often leave us a better knowledge of this world of ours and a better understanding of humanity. Yes, strange as it may seem, I really want to feel a great sorrow.
With this last wish I complete the synopsis of the things I want to do before I die. Irrational as they may seem to the reader, nevertheless they comprise a sincere summary of what I truthfully now believe to be the things most essential to a fully satisfactory and happy life. As I stand here on the threshold of my future, these are the things which to me seem the most valuable. Perhaps in fifty years I will think that they are extremely silly. Perhaps I will wonder, for instance, why I did not include a wish for continued happiness. Yet, right now, I do not desire my life to be a bed of roses. I want it to be something much more than that. I want it to be a truly great adventure, never dull, always exciting and engrossing; not sickly sweet, yet not unhappy. And I believe it will be all I wish if I do these things before I die.
As for death itself, I do not believe that it will be such a disagreeable thing providing my life has been successful. I have always considered life and death as two cups of wine. Of the first cup, containing the wine of life, we can learn a little from literature and from those who have drunk it, but only a little. In order to get the full flavor we must drink deeply of it for ourselves. I believe that after I have quaffed the cup containing the wine of life, emptied it to its last dregs, then I will not fear to turn to that other cup, the one whose contents can be designated only by X, an unknown, and a thing about which we can gain no knowledge at all until we drink for ourselves. Will it be sweet, or sour, or tasteless? Who can tell? Surely none of us like to think of death as the end of everything. Yet is it? That is a question that for all of us will one day be answered when we, having witnessed the drama of life, come to the final curtain. Probably we will all regret to leave this world, yet I believe that after I have drained the first cup, and have possibly grown a bit weary of its flavor, I will then turn not unwillingly to the second cup and to the new and thrilling experience of exploring the unknown.
